At some point during the height of my 320 pound weight, I decided that since I had no solution for what was wrong with me, I was just going to work really hard at acceptance of being fat!
Hey, the world seemed to be adapting to big people, so what was so bad about being big? If I could just find my way to being happy about it, then life would be more “normal”. I bought programs that were designed to help you love who you are. My library is filled with books on the subject. Trouble was that I read every one of them and not once did I feel any connection.
When there was any talk about “joy”, I couldn’t comprehend what that was. Going to my “happy place” for me was a place filled with food. Happiness came but the self loathing came right after that. Being BIG and trying to see myself as “beautiful” DID NOT WORK FOR ME! In fact, in many ways it was harder to convince myself of this than it was to go on a diet!
In my heart I could not be happy because I truly hated myself! When I say that, people will say to me that I should not have hated myself because I still looked pretty good! That has nothing to do with the deeper part! The reason I hated myself was because I couldn’t control food which should have been something that was easy!
That one feeling about myself stopped me from doing and pursuing so many things in my life! All the time I spent trying to accept something that I loathed just hit the nail in deeper. I had so many hopes for a bright future but was unable to fulfill any of my dreams because I felt like I wasn’t worth the effort…all because of this one thing that I couldn’t get right!
My biggest dream was to be a motivational public speaker. I had the voice, the passion, the ability but I didn’t have the love for myself that it took to do that. I knew that people would see right through me and recognize that I was a BIG nothing! I knew I could talk the talk but I certainly could not walk the walk! I couldn’t even feel joy myself much less motivate someone else to want to feel it!
But deep down inside, I knew that the “real” me was in there, I just could not find her through all the extra pounds! It is very safe to say that the person I appeared to be on the outside was an exact reflection on who I was feeling like on the inside!
Losing the weight did not make me all the sudden love myself. My relationship with GOD, the process of recovery and the ability to have control over my food in a way that was good for my body brought out the love I have for myself!
I always thought that if I were just a certain size, that I would be happy! Little did I know that the size is a bi-product of the ability to put food in its place!
How do you feel about yourself?