Ok, I know that this title could have more than one meaning. Does it mean that I felt like a misfit and didn’t fit in with any particular group or does it mean that I really didn’t fit because of my size? Even though I could write for a day about the first meaning, today I am writing about the later.
Obviously, 320 pounds is a very large woman! Although I wasn’t to the point where I had to ride in the cart at the grocery store (meaning no disrespect to someone who does) I had hundreds of situations that I did not fit.
I just recently helped a friend of mine who had to have surgery. I stayed overnight with her in the hospital and it brought back nightmares for me! I remembered several times over the past 25 years in my large sized body, the terrible times in the hospital. Each time brought a heightened level of pure humiliation! It started with the delivery of my first baby.
Whenever I was in the hospital over the last 25 years, I felt like I was disabled. A team of people would have to come in just to roll me over. I would be so uncomfortable in the hospital bed that I couldn’t move myself because I had lost the strength to do so. There were 3 visits where I had surgery and trying to recuperate from them while being so large was the most difficult thing. They would want you to get up and walk and I couldn’t even get out of bed. It was so frightening to me and it made my anxiety level rise…along with my blood pressure.
One of my surgeries, I did not tell them that I had sleep apnea. Although it had not been officially diagnosed, I knew I had it. I was asked at my pre-surgery appointment and I told them that I did not have it. Immediately after surgery, I was snoring and stopping breathing so bad in recovery that they thought something was medically wrong with me and put me in intensive care! Why wasn’t this ever enough for me to want to do something about my weight? Oh, that is right, because I didn’t know what to do about it!
Besides my being in the hospital, my son, who has type 1 diabetes, has been in the hospital 4 times during my huge size. Since he was a minor child at the time, I had to stay at the hospital overnight with him. This presented a multitude of problems. I had to sleep in a chair that reclined. The chairs have high, solid wood arms and were too narrow for me to fit. I couldn’t fit sideways or laying on my back. So I suffered not only from embarrassment but from getting no sleep during an extremely stressful time!
Many times I have gone to Doctor’s appointments and there was not a chair in the waiting room that was big enough for me. I did not fit in many cars and many cars that I did fit, the seat belt wasn’t large enough for me. Most toilets I could not fit on and had to develop a wiping system that was quite humiliating! Bathroom stalls in most public bathrooms were too small for me and I always had to use the handicap rooms. I have broken many chairs at other people’s houses, not to mention at my own. A queen size bed was not big enough for both me and my husband to sleep.
In most restaurants I could not walk between tables to get to my table. I would either knock someone in the front or back of me. Don’t get me started on booths in restaurants! My boobs would be smashed between the table or would be set on the table as if they were part of the meal! Seats in movie theaters and sports venues were impossible!
What a life this was! Any each and every time I did not fit somewhere, my humiliation and shame grew! I chose to live like this because I truly did not know that there was any answer for me! Had I known that there was a solution for me that actually worked, I would have moved mountains to live better!
I would love to hear from any of you about the subject of not fitting in spaces! Please let me know how you have felt about it!