Through the thirty years or more of being overweight, my opinion of my self was one where I felt substandard to those who didn’t appear to have a weight problem.
Even during my teenage years when I was not overweight by any stretch of the imagination, I was envious of the girls who were smaller than me. I felt like I didn’t make the grade, that I was substandard and not good enough! I have no idea where these thoughts came from but I know I have had them most of my life!
When I got older I got heavier and found myself even more envious of those women who were smaller. When you envy someone, that comes from someone having something that you wish you had. I always wanted a smaller body!
Going through life like that, it surprises no one that I have a feeling of inferiority. I had developed a sense that everyone who did not have a weight problem were somehow more superior than me. I know this sounds ridiculous but I am now beginning to see this!
I am always offering to do things that are really hard! I go way beyond the call of duty on most things and sign up for the hardest roles. Deep down I don’t really want to do the things I sign up for. When my sons were in high school I joined the Mothers’ Club. When they were looking for volunteers to become the President of the organization, I immediately signed up. I knew it was going to push me to my limit but I became the President anyway.
It was like I felt like I had to do these things so that I would be accepted by others. Like I lived a substandard life so I had to go overboard just to be at everyone else’s level.
Where did this thinking come from? Part of me thought “All you people look down on me because I am overweight, but look at me, I not only can do what you all can do, I can do even more!” There has never been any proof that people actually looked down on me. These were my thoughts! Crazy, Crazy, Crazy! And I still do this!
Even after losing all this weight, I still feel substandard! I thought it had to do with the weight…but obviously it doesn’t! But I am very aware that I am tired of doing the things that no one else wants to do just because it makes me feel more worthy (for about a second)! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like I am better than anyone because of my weight loss, in fact, I have a huge amount of compassion for those that still suffer. But I still am running low on the “worthy” category!
Funny how a lifetime has been spent by me thinking it was my lack of control over food that made me feel substandard to others. As it turns out, it is something else!
Anyone have any ideas on why I feel this way? Have you felt this way due to your thoughts on your weight?